It's Time
I feel like it is time to let you in on a secret I've been harboring for the last four weeks. Their names are James and John, and they just turned 4 years old on June 22nd. They live at Upendo, and are fraternal twins. They have parents, but according to the care givers, their parents couldn't keep them because they are crazy (the parents that is). While I love all the children, and wish I could bring them all home, and find them good homes with loving familes, James and John have really captured my heart. I spend nearly all day with the two of them (amoung others, since there are usually about 10 kids per volunteer). John is more independant, he runs off and hedges bushes all day, and waters the grass (except when he gets caught by the real grounds keeper :p). James is more content to just sit with me and play silly games. James is the bully of the two, he acts tough around the other kids, but since he's warmed up to me, now he I can see that he really just wants love and attention like the rest of them, he's just hardened himself to the world, because of the unfortunate situation that being an orphan brings. I tried not to get attached, because I knew I shouldn't. But somehow it happened anyways, and now I'm struggling because I can't quite imagine leaving them here. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm 18, and need to go to school and get a job and get married and then I can adopt some children, trying to picture what will happen to James and John keeps running through my head. I'm tired. I'm exhausted emotionally and physically, and I am starting to miss my parents, brother and dog a lot more now, but actually going home seems completely unfathomable right now, because I know I can't take them with me, and I know that becoming so attached to them will hurt them as well as me. Zeno and Zevy (who are probably getting adopted by Pete!) were very attached to Pete, and when he left Zevy completely stopped liking Mzungus (white people). She just today warmed up to me, 4 weeks after Pete left...she hasn't touched an Mzungu or allowed them to play with her for 4 weeks. And it makes perfect sense, if I had loving people coming in and being wonderful for a few weeks and then leaving forever, I think I'd stop getting close to them too. Anyways, those are my ramblings for today. Things are getting tougher because I get closer to James and John everyday and I also get closer to leaving them. Otherwise things here are great, and I love Tanzania more everyday. I wish you all could come see it. It's absolutely amazing. Nakupenda Hamna shida Maggie
posted by Maggie @ 8:47 AM
6 Comments:
Dear Maggie,
What a caring person you are and what a difficult place for your heart to be. These are God's children and I would put them in His hands and ask that He give them special care. I know that sounds very simplistic but I have had to do this about many problems in my life and He has come through.Maybe not as I would but He is there. Love, Aunt Pat
Maggie I'm sorry you are going to have to leave them. It must be very hard to see all these orphans without someone loving and caring to look after them their entire lives. Just think of it this way, you have been allowed to touch their lives even for just a little while and even though they might not like that you leave i don't think they will forget what you did for them. To give them what you have already just shows the amazing person you are. With anyone you love and care for in life if you really love them you have to be willing to let them go. It sucks but unfortunately there is no way around it sometimes. I hope you are still enjoying yourself! I can't wait to see you, we all miss you very much!!
-Megan Chouinard
do it.
-reza
ps write me, or something... maybe.
Hey Mag, 12 July
Is hamna shida something like "no problemo" or hope all is well?
Hi Maggie, 16 July morn
Marcus and Amanda had a beautiful wedding yesterday!
We gathered round in joy and love to celebrate committment, family, future, life. I treasure those moments--they're now snapshots of memories of Marcus watching Amanda walk down the aisle, Marcus dancing with your Aunt Kathleen, smiling,happy faces cheering their union.
It must seem quite odd for you at this moment, with your current experiences with James and John and the other children. You now have your heart in two worlds and are faced with so many intense feelings--joy/sadness, hope/guilt, determination/powerlessness, resignation/rage and love.
No one can take this away from you. It is your live journey and will always be a part of you, no matter where you are. You have learned that family is an everexpanding term. Your "snapshots" have deepened in color and contrast and light.
But know this, also. Your Michigan family thought of you last night, wondered how you were doing, sent you love and good wishes across the universe, and missed you very much. It seems as though you've been gone for years.
We can't wait to have you home again.
Alla Famiglia,
Nakupenda,
Aunt Daisy
It is very difficult, but everything on this earth is temporary, and blessings are designed to last only a short while. We all feel bitter when a blessing leaves us, but later we realize the blessing had to leave in order for us to grow and learn to walk on our own. Because you have helped these children for this short while, you have taught them love and kindness, and when you leave they may become hardened, but that is only to deal with the pain of growing, and in the end they will be all the better.
I know that doesn't take away the pain and guilt of leaving them, but just as your family let you go to Africa so that you may grow (even though I'm sure they had their apprehensions), so must you leave these children, so they may grow.
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